Hi! I'm Dr. Roz
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If your default reply is “Sure, I can do it!” even as your soul whispers Please don’t, you’re in the right place.
This guide is for high-functioning, heart-forward women who handle everything: the launch, the carpool, the group chat, the emergency dessert, and are quietly exhausted by how heavy “yes” has become. We’re going to talk about how to stop people-pleasing without feeling guilty, and how to do it in a way that still feels like you: warm, generous, and honest.
At Nu Leaf Therapy, we help women in Mississippi, Texas, and Florida trade overgiving for clear boundaries and sustainable care for themselves and the people they love. Think trusted therapist meets wise best friend: compassionate, practical, a little playful, and entirely on your side.
First, what is people-pleasing (and what it isn’t)?
People-pleasing isn’t kindness gone wrong. It’s kindness without boundaries, saying yes to avoid conflict, rejection, or disappointment, even when your body and calendar are screaming “nope.” For many, it’s not just a habit; it’s a nervous-system survival strategy that once kept you safe. In threat mode, humans don’t just fight, flee, or freeze; we can fawn (appease) to reduce risk. That reflex protects in the moment… and burns us out long-term if it runs the show. Simply PsychologyCleveland Clinic
There’s also a social piece: many women learned to be agreeable, helpful, and “low-maintenance.” Over time, that can morph into self-silencing, tuning out your needs to keep the peace, which is associated with higher depression risk in women. Naming this culture-level pattern doesn’t blame you; it gives context and, importantly, options. Wiley Online LibrarySAGE Journals
Bottom line: You’re not broken. You’re over-practiced at keeping others comfortable and under-practiced at keeping yourself cared for.
Why guilt shows up when you set boundaries
Your brain loves predictability. If your identity has been “the reliable one,” then saying no creates cognitive dissonance: If I’m good, I help. Your nervous system may even tag a boundary as “threat,” and serve up guilt to push you back to the old pattern. Add a dash of relationship worry (Will they be mad? Will I lose connection?), and guilt makes perfect sense.
Good news, guilt is a signal, not a verdict. It often means you’re crossing from the familiar into the aligned. With a few tools, guilt becomes growing pains, not a stop sign.
Quick self-check: Are you people-pleasing?
If three or more feel like you, we should talk:
- You say yes quickly and resent slowly.
- You apologize for things that aren’t yours.
- You fix, fetch, and follow up so nothing “falls through.”
- You’re tired and behind because your time is crowd-sourced.
- You feel anxious when someone is disappointed with you.
- You feel oddly invisible in your own life.
If you’re thinking, “Why do I always feel behind?” or “Why can’t I set boundaries?”, you’re not alone, and you don’t need a personality transplant. You need skills.
The Nu Leaf RESET for People-Pleasing
Our clients love this five-step micro-framework because it’s gentle, fast, and repeatable. Use it before meetings, in tricky texts, or anytime guilt bubbles up.
- R — Recognize the loop.
“Oh hey, this is my ‘say yes to keep the peace’ loop.” - E — Exhale to regulate.
Long exhale (longer than your inhale) for 60 seconds. Calm body = more precise boundary. (You’re downshifting that fight-flight-freeze-fawn circuitry.) Cleveland Clinic - S — Scan for signals.
What are you feeling? Where is it in your body? What fear is here (rejection, conflict, being “too much”)? - E — Edit the request or expectation.
Options: shrink the ask, move the deadline, delegate, or decline. - T — Try a tiny action.
Send the boundary text. Put “review priorities” on your calendar. Close the laptop at the time you said.
Small moves, repeated, re-teach your brain that you can be kind and boundaried at the same time.
Scripts you can steal (zero drama, maximum clarity)
Use these word-for-word or tweak them to your voice. The formula is simple: Kind Opener → Clear Boundary → Optional Offer.
The “Boundary Sandwich” — by scenario
Scenario | Say this | Why it works |
Work: extra task | “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m at capacity this week, so I can’t take this on. If it’s flexible, I could look at it next Tuesday.” | Acknowledges, sets a limit, and offers a realistic alternative. |
Family: last-minute favor | “I’d love to help, and tonight won’t work. Let’s plan for Saturday morning or ask Aunt Dee.” | States care and constraint give options. |
Friend: recurring free labor | “I care about your project. I’m not available to consult for free anymore. If you want, I can send my rates or a resource.” | Names the boundary and introduces a new norm. |
Partner: You need quiet | “I want to catch up, and I need 30 quiet minutes to reset. Let’s talk after dinner.” | Signals connection while protecting your energy. |
Yourself: overcommitting | “If I say yes, I’m saying no to sleep. I’m choosing sleep.” | Reframes the choice; prioritizes your values. |
Keep your tone warm, your words short, and your periods firm. (Exclamation points can creep into appeasing territory. Periods say: I’m clear and calm.)
A 5-level “No” ladder (practice from easiest to spiciest)
- Delay — “Let me check my week and get back to you.”
- Data — “My bandwidth is limited this month.”
- Decline — “I’m not able to take this on.”
- Decline + Option — “…but here are two alternatives.”
- Hard No — “No, that won’t work for me.”
Pro tip: Start one level lower than you think you need. As your nervous system learns that the sky doesn’t fall, climb the ladder.
But what about the guilt?
Two evidence-backed practices help: self-compassion and assertiveness skills.
- Self-compassion (treating yourself as you’d treat a good friend) reduces shame and supports behavior change. You can even take a brief self-compassion self-test to see where to focus. Self-Compassion
- Assertiveness training (clear, respectful self-expression) improves mood and social anxiety outcomes and holds up well in meta-analyses and clinical research. Translation: it works — especially alongside CBT. Stony Brook UniversityPMC
When guilt flares, try this:
Guilt Reframe: “My guilt is a sign that I’m crossing from the familiar into the aligned. I can be a caring person and have limits.”
People-pleasing ≠ weakness (it’s a strategy your body learned)
If your system learned that pleasing kept you safe at home, at work, in past relationships, it makes sense your body reaches for it automatically. That’s the fawn response: appeasement as protection. Learning to notice and soften that reflex (with breath, grounding, and micro-boundaries) is kinder and more effective than shaming yourself for it. Simply Psychology
Tiny experiments to try this week
Pick two and repeat them daily. Momentum beats martyrdom.
- The Pause: Before answering a request, take two slow breaths and say, “I’ll check and circle back.” (You just bought your brain time.)
- The One-Swap: Replace one automatic yes with a Yes-But: “Yes, and I’ll need the file by Thursday to meet that timeline.”
- The Exit Line: Practice: “I’m going to hop off now.” (End calls on time without a TED Talk.)
- The Time Box: Put 15 minutes on the calendar for your priorities first. Protect it like a meeting with your boss.
- The Micro-Ask: Request a slight change from someone safe: “Can we meet at 10:15 instead of 10?” Build the muscle.
How people-pleasing links with anxiety and burnout (and what to do)
Over-accommodation keeps your nervous system in threat vigilance: scanning for others’ reactions, rehearsing answers, over-explaining. That’s mentally expensive, physically draining, and sleep-disruptive. Learning a few regulation skills (exhale longer than inhale, orient your eyes to something far away, ground with five senses) helps you exit “threat mode” so you can set boundaries without spiraling. Cleveland Clinic
If you also notice low mood, low energy, or self-criticism, self-silencing might be part of your loop, a pattern linked in research to depressive symptoms in women. A therapist can help you unwind the beliefs underneath (“Good women don’t say no,” “I’m only lovable when I’m useful”) and replace them with values-based boundaries that fit your life. Wiley Online LibrarySAGE Journals
Table: Pick-and-Play Boundaries (copy, paste, send)
Situation | 10-second text | 30-second conversation |
Colleague adds “one more quick thing” | “I’m at capacity and can’t add this. Let’s revisit next week.” | “I want to support the team, and I’m at capacity. If this is urgent, I’ll need to drop X. Otherwise, I can lookon Tuesday.” |
Family expects you to host (again) | “I’m sitting this one out. Happy to bring a dish.” | “I love our get-togethers, and hosting isn’t doable for me right now. I can contribute in a smaller way or rotate next time.” |
Friend wants recurring freebies | “I can’t consult for free anymore. Want my rates or a resource?” | “I care about your success. I’m moving my advice into paid work. If you want support, here’s how to book time with me or a few budget-friendly options.” |
Partner relies on you for all planning | “Let’s split this: you book travel, I’ll handle lodging.” | “I’m feeling stretched. Can we divide and calendar tasks so we both carry this? I’d like you to own travel while I handle lodging.” |
Your inner critic | “We keep the peace and our limits.” | “Thanks for trying to keep me liked. I’m choosing aligned over automatic today.” |
Real talk: “Won’t boundaries make me selfish?”
Nope. Healthy boundaries increase generosity because your giving comes from choice, not fear. We see it every day in therapy: as women strengthen self-compassion and assertiveness, resentment drops, energy increases, and relationships become more honest and sustainable. (Again, there’s solid research on self-compassion benefits and assertiveness training efficacy.) Self-CompassionStony Brook University
When should I consider therapy?
If you recognize yourself in these, therapy could help:
- You agree in the room and see in the car.
- “No” requires a 500-word explanation.
- You shut down in relationships when you’re overwhelmed.
- You’re so busy keeping the peace that you feel disconnected from yourself.
- You want scripts, skills, and support that stick.
At Nu Leaf Therapy, sessions are practical and affirming. We go at your pace (zero trauma-dumping required), and we focus on skills you can use this week, from CBT tools for anxious thoughts to values-based boundary work, grief-safe conversations, and trauma-aware regulation.
Mississippi, Texas & Florida: Care that fits your life
Looking for therapy near me, Mississippi, or anxiety counseling in Jackson, MS? We offer accessible therapy services in Jackson, MS, and across the state, plus convenient virtual sessions for Texas and Florida. If you’re searching:
- “anxiety therapist Mississippi” • “therapy for anxiety MS” • “CBT for anxiety Mississippi”
- “trauma counseling Mississippi” • “PTSD therapist Mississippi” • “CPT therapy for trauma”
- “grief therapist Mississippi” • “counseling for grief MS” • “grief counseling Jackson MS”
- “couples therapy Mississippi” • “marriage counseling MS” • “Gottman therapist MS”
- “relationship counseling Jackson MS” • “mental health counseling MS” • “licensed therapist Mississippi”
- “depression therapy Mississippi” • “CBT for depression MS” • “therapist for depression Mississippi”
…you’re exactly our people. We also support holistic mental health counseling, values-based boundary work, and trauma-aware care for high-achieving women who want ease and impact.
Try this 10-minute boundary reset (today)
- Identify one leaky place. (Work, group chat, family text.)
- Write one sentence that would protect your time/energy.
- Practice aloud until it sounds boring.
- Send it (or say it) without over-explaining.
- Breathe through the guilt for 90 seconds. (It passes.)
- Notice: What opened up — time, energy, clarity?
Repeat tomorrow. Skills are built with reps.
For the research-curious (the short version)
- The fawn response (appeasing to keep safe) sits alongside fight/flight/freeze in our stress repertoire. Understanding it helps you swap reflex for choice. Simply Psychology
- Self-silencing — suppressing needs to maintain connection — has been linked with depressive symptoms in women; therapy helps surface needs and restore voice. Wiley Online Library
- Self-compassion is a well-validated construct with robust measures and growing evidence; it’s linked to lower shame and better emotional resilience. Self-Compassion
- Assertiveness training, especially within CBT, shows positive effects on anxiety, mood, and functioning across studies and follow-ups. Stony Brook UniversityPMC+1
FAQs
Frequently Asked Questions
No. Boundaries can be low-drama and high-clarity: kind opener, clear limit, short sentence.
Expect a little wobble. You’re updating the relationship contract. Hold steady, repeat yourself once, and don’t over-explain. Over time, people learn your new normal.
Yes. We target the loops underneath (anxiety, fear of rejection, over-responsibility), teach nervous-system regulation, and practice language that feels natural in your mouth — not like a script from someone else’s life. (Assertiveness training research backs this up.) Stony Brook University
You’ll find a truer version: generous by choice, not compulsion. Healthy boundaries protect your best qualities.
Ready to stop people-pleasing (without feeling like a villain)?
Let’s make your yes mean yes again.
- Take our free mood & boundaries quiz (quick, compassionate, zero shame) to spot your current loop: Overwhelm, Disconnection, Boundary Erosion, or Relationship Loop and get a personalized micro-plan.
- Book a consultation for anxiety therapy in Mississippi (including Jackson, MS), or meet online from Texas or Florida.
- Want couples’ support? We offer Gottman-informed marriage counseling and relationship counseling in Jackson, MS, and statewide.
Nu Leaf Therapy is here with individual therapy, couples counseling, and holistic, trauma-aware care that fits your season of life — evenings and telehealth included.
Take your next right step today at www.nuleaftherapy.com. Your time and energy are precious. Let’s help you spend them on what matters most.
- Find Emotional Balance
- Heal fromTrauma
- Overcome Anxiety
— Dr. Roslyn Ashford
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Roslyn Ashford, LPC
Founder and Clinical Director
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Ariel Kinsey, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
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Take the next step in your healing journey with us.
As leader in cognitive behavior therapy across Mississippi, Texas and Florida, our CBT, CPT and Gottman-certified therapists ensure holistic wellness through evidence-based practices, engaging unconventional therapeutic activities, helping you cultivate a happier, healthier, and more balanced life.
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FAQ
Frequently Asked Questions
Not at all. People who ask for help know when they need it and have the courage to reach out. Everyone needs help now and then. In our work together, I’ll help you explore and identify your strengths and how to implement them to reduce the influence of the problems you are facing.
The difference is between someone who can do something, and someone who has the training and experience to do that same thing professionally. A mental health professional can help you approach your situation in a new way– teach you new skills, gain different perspectives, listen to you without judgment or expectations, and help you listen to yourself. Furthermore, counseling is completely confidential. You won’t have to worry about others “knowing my business.” Lastly, if your situation provokes a great deal of negative emotion, and you’ve been confiding in a friend or family member, there is the risk that once you are feeling better you could start avoiding that person so you aren’t reminded of this difficult time in your life.
Medication can be effective but it alone cannot solve all issues. Sometimes medication is needed in conjunction with counseling. Our work together is designed to explore and unpack the problems you are experiencing and expand on your strengths that can help you accomplish your personal goals.
Because each person has different issues and goals for counseling, it will be different depending on the individual. We tailor my therapeutic approach to your specific needs.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to estimate how long it will take. Everyone’s circumstances are unique to them and the length of time counseling can take to allow you to accomplish your goals depends on your desire for personal development, your commitment, and the factors that are driving you to seek counseling in the first place.
We are so glad you are dedicated to getting the most out of your sessions. Your active participation and dedication will be crucial to your success.
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